She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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