I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
