I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
