the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
