I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
