Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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