My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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