when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
