in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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