She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
