True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
