where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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