you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
