dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
