Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
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