we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
