my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
