you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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