If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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