I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
