No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
