He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES