I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
There's always time for handjobs
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER