I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
