If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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