im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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