Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
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It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
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How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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