theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
