Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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