I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
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We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
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I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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