I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
