I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
