I puked a lego.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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