It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
