You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Randomize
