please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
