party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
