i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
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The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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