textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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