after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.