I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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