I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
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I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
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Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.