If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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