Soap is not a condiment
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet