got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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