life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
