peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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