I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
