I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
