Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
My day in three words: secret purse cake
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
