Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
