I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
