my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.