if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.