Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything