this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples