His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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