Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
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