stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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