I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
