Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
God I need to hump something, right now.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
