I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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