So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
